Why is it so hard to find community as an adult? So many of us live isolated lives, and it isn't until we engage in a very specific activity that we are able to find "our people."
When I was feeling out of place in a new neighborhood and terribly lonely from the life transitions I was going through, I found my people through rock climbing. But not every climbing partnership was fruitful.
In the early days, I didn't know how to tell a good climbing partner from a bad one. So I climbed with anyone and everyone who was willing to take me out. In doing so, I learned a lot from both my mistakes and successes climbing with strangers.
For example, I lived and climbed with a complete stranger for a week in the Dolomites. The two of us couldn’t have been more different, but in the end, we made a great team.
Another valuable partnership was formed when a lone boulderer wandered up to a group of friends I was climbing with in Bishop, California. Now, I climb with that wanderer much more often than anyone in my original group of friends.
In yet another instance, I linked up with someone from a climbing meetup who offered to be a mentor to me. He was a very experienced climber but had absolutely no verbal filter and a nasty habit of moving on to the next climb without waiting for me whenever he damn well felt like it.
For a little while, I thought that as an inexperienced climber I needed to just put up with him. I mean, he was my mentor, right? But after a few more trips out together, he proved himself to be truly rude and intolerable. I had other climbing partners who may not have known how to tie as many knots as he did, but were people I actually wanted to spend time with.
Here are some of the most important lessons I learned from my experience and some tips on how you can eventually find your perfect climbing partners.
Remember: Climbing is about friendship
Ultimately, finding a great climbing partner is about forging a beautiful friendship — one that allows you to trust your life in your partner's hands as they hold you on belay or spot you from the bottom of a high boulder.
In order to successfully climb outdoors, the partnership has to work very much like a long-term relationship. You need to listen to each other, communicate your priorities, and be considerate of each other's abilities.
Just like in any budding friendship, treat your fellow climbers with respect, care, and dignity. And expect the same from your partners, too!
Tips for beginners
If you've never climbed before or are very new, finding good climbing partners is even more important than for advanced climbers who can rely on their experience and skills to climb with just about anyone.
Not only are you looking for someone who will be a good match for your climbing ability, you also want to find someone who has a decent amount of experience and is a safe person to climb with.
Don't be afraid to ask questions, no matter how stupid they may seem. Confirm, over and over again, what the plan is and how exactly it will get done. If you have a hard time communicating with someone or you find they are not a good listener, you may want to rethink climbing with them.
Many accidents occur because one climber has one idea about how to get off a route, and the other climber has something else in mind. Simple conversations could have prevented many broken bones and deaths. Remember that everyone has different ingrained habits, and it’s best to make one hundred percent sure that you are on the same page about how to get down from the rock.
Climbing grades are not everything
One of the biggest mistakes I made was thinking that climbers who climbed high grades were better climbing partners.
My first outdoor climbing trip was spent mostly watching high-performance climbers work on boulders way above my pay grade. I could hardly climb their warm-ups at the time, and although they were inspiring to watch, I wondered if they weren't the best people for me to go out and have a fun and productive climbing day with.
Years later, I realized that climbing with partners who knew how to spot safely or understood the physics of anchor building was much more beneficial for me than getting out with physically impressive climbers who could pull really hard with their bodies.
Using the internet to find potential partners
The internet is a wonderful tool for finding climbing partners! Of course, you need to be careful about meeting up with strangers in any scenario, but tapping into the various climbing groups and organizations online can be a great way to find your next go-to climbing buddy.
I've found fantastic partnerships through groups like SoCal Climbing and Ladies Climbing Coalition. Of course, there’s always the potential for finding unsavory partners, too. Use your noggin and your intuition.
Prior to meeting up to climb, have some conversations about your climbing background and what you’d like to do together. If they live near you, you can try to meet them at a gym or an area you know very well where the stakes are relatively low. Like your mom might tell you before hanging out with someone you met on the internet, be careful!
Red Flags
If a climbing partner is constantly rude or makes you feel bad about your experience level, it’s probably not a good relationship.
Is climbing all about them? Or, all about you? Ask yourself if you’re okay with this.
Are they hitting on you and distracting you while you climb? Bad news.
These are just a few of my red flags. Everyone has their own list. Think about the kind of experience you want to have while climbing, and work backward from there.
Meeting climbers at the gym or outdoors
Gym Climbing
Hey. If you want to climb, go climbing! You can safely boulder alone at a climbing gym, and many gyms offer some way to link up with other climbers in search of a partner.
Most gyms have announcement boards for their members, and I’m part of many partner finder chat groups on WhatsApp and Facebook.
Climbing Events & Festivals
Climbing outdoors can be a little trickier, but if you can get yourself to an outdoor climbing event or festival, I've found that you can meet amazing individuals from all around the world. If you do get to a festival, make sure to take some clinics that are interesting to you so you can meet other climbers who are similarly interested.
Some of my lifelong friends were fellow attendees of climbing festivals like the Women's Climbing Festival, International Climbing Festival, and Climb Smart.
Get out there and climb!
Some of the most meaningful friendships I have now were formed while climbing rocks. Climbing can be a beautiful experience that allows people to bond, grow together, and support each other.
By knowing what to look for in a good partner, we can also learn to be better partners to others.
I have to admit there were times I was a bad climbing partner because I didn’t know any better at the time. I used to be terrible at managing rope and gear, and I definitely had a gym rat mentality outdoors and encouraged everyone to push their hardest all the time. But as I gained more experience, I gained more insight into how I can be a better climbing partner.
When we learn how to have better partnerships, we can increase the likelihood of having a positive experience while getting through a challenging situation.
Eventually, strong partnerships allow us to take on harder and more complex challenges. And isn't that the point of having great friendships?
Want more?
By chance, I came across this thread on the /climbergirls Reddit about finding climbing partners as a woman. It’s one of the most comprehensive things I’ve read about this topic.
Writer, musician, and hiker CansaFis Foote just wrote this incredible zine-style article about hiking in Oakland. Complete with history tidbits you never thought you needed to know, and of course, very cute dogs on a loose and rambly adventure through the wilderness.
I’m about 75% of the way through the Simone Weil episode of the Philosophize This! podcast, and it’s already worth sharing. Talk about a woman who lived and died on her own terms.
‘Til next Thursday,
Leslie