From stone to water

Embracing personal change

“Just believe in God and do what your family tells you to.”

Growing up, that was the answer to every deep or meaningful question I had. I was told to never question the church or my parents because they were always right. So my curiosities went largely ignored or met with overbearing statements like these.

Over time, I was conditioned to be resistant to learning and afraid of asking questions.

But as an awkward only child and somewhat of an outsider, I had the liberty of seeing things my own way.

As I got older, I saw so many people in the church or in my family who were trapped in toxic relationships, bad contracts, or in situations they truly hated because they thought it was God’s plan for them to suffer in this way.

Their problems lay unresolved and unattended to because they believed this was their burden to bear.

I began to quietly wonder why these people didn’t make simple changes in their lives that would obviously yield positive results.

Because of my upbringing in the church, I grew up knowing viscerally that the reason why people stagnate isn’t that they lack the tools or the know-how. It’s because they leave themselves intentionally blind.

The people around me were stuck in their paradigms because something in their lives was so painful they couldn’t bear to face it. Facing it meant they might have to upend everything they know.

And they were right to be afraid.

Much of personal growth and change means destroying our lives and belief structures as we know them and opening ourselves up to something new. It takes an incredible amount of courage to embark on that journey.

For most of my life, I’ve been wondering if there's anything we can do to make that change easier, safer, or more manageable for others.

But after having gone through numerous personal changes as a result of my many mistakes, another part of me knows that pain is just part of the journey and without it, nothing changes.

Matt Jugo recently reminded me of an important distinction between necessary and unnecessary pain.

His comment helped me realize that necessary pain is something positive that people should be encouraged to endure.

Going through necessary pain is often indispensable for relieving unnecessary pains in our lives.

I’ve spent a lot of my youth trying to be a facilitator for change in my family. And I don’t believe it’s been effective.

No matter how much I want others to change, I can’t force anyone to take a step forward. I can’t even make them look around and see their situation from another perspective because an alternate view might destroy their delicately fabricated world.

So I’ve learned that if I can’t make it happen for anyone else, the only thing I can do is to use myself as a testing ground and hopefully become an example that others can follow.

If there’s anything at all I can offer at this point, it is simply my personal experience. And I can only hope it touches someone who previously believed that change wasn’t possible.